The Princess/Prince Charming Illusion

My mom tells me that as a small child I had no interest in traditional fairy tales. During the formative years that countless parents read their children tales from The Brothers Grimm, Walt Disney and others, I was perusing my big sisters Right On! magazines. I suppose that I had less attraction, if any at all to the exploits of Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Snow White and the like. The reason was simple - in absolutely no way did I relate to the protagonists in these stories.

The time worn formula of "pretty girl protagonist/evil, ugly antagonist/valiant prince savior" just didn't spark my interest. Even the "handsome hero" aspect held no attraction to me.

     I was much more interested in the superhero exploits of Batman, Iron Man or The Black Panther. Sure, they were handsome and went around saving people too, but unlike the princes in the fairy tales they couldn't be called utopian pretty boys. They were intrinsically gritty and far too flawed as human beings. Take Batman and Iron Man for example - Both men are billionaire industrialists who inherited their wealth. Bruce Wayne's need to take vigilant revenge on the criminal element was born from the psychological trauma he suffered witnessing the violent demise of his parents. As a result, his Batman alter ego is a hypercathartic coping mechanism. His iron clad peer Tony Stark is a brilliant engineer who also happens to be a shallow, narcisistic, womanizing playboy. The very thing that makes him a superhero simultaneoulsy keeps him from certain death, thus he cannot live without being Iron Man. Imagine the twisted psychology behind both of those situations!

     So in spite of the fact that I'm not a billionaire playboy, superhero characters were more relatable for me; at least in terms of them being flawed. Not only that, most of them kept it moving on the relationship front. Unlike these fairy tale dandies, you rarely saw them marrying the first distressed damsel they happened to run across. They understood that the mental energy one expends thwarting the world domination plans of evil geniuses leaves very little that is conducive to maintaining a successful relationship. Every married guy reading this knows that if you see a dude wearing a mask and skin tight rubber clothes while running the streets at night in search of shady activity, he's either single or a Congressmen.

     I'm making light of what I actually feel is a serious subject. We may not give much thought to it, but how do our cherished childhood fairytales effect our future expectations of relationships? As my precocious 5 year old daughter is fully immersed in the princess phase and the electra complex that it seems to assist in ushering in, this is yet another one of those things that parenthood has made me begin to contemplate.

     Of course, all of her favorite fairy tales involve this princess formula. Cinderella, The Princess & the Frog, Beauty & the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, The Little Mermaid, etc. The list is seemingly endless. Although the storylines vary somewhat, the overwhelming image of the princess is one of pulchridtude, virtue and an allure that captivates entire kingdoms. They are well mannered, elegant and stunningly beautiful. Who wouldn't aspire to such? Almost all young girls fantasize about being a princess and initially why shouldn't we encourage them? The concern is where we draw the line between fantasy and reality when it comes to the expectations and standards one absorbs from these fairytales.

     This princess/hero theme is recurrent throughout our development albiet in different forms. When we graduate from fairytales, we encouter it yet again in cartoons and comic books. Just what the heck would Sweet Polly Purebread do to protect herself if Underdog couldn't find a telephone booth?  Lois Lane was always getting into something Superman had to get her out of, and Lord knows Popeye took some world cl(ass) whuppings from Bluto every Saturday morning saving Olive Oyl's helpless behind. Thank God for spinach! As we get older the theme rears it's head in slightly different manifestations. J-Lo is rescued from a life of servitude by a handsome Senator in Maid in Manhattan, while Richard Gere is literally a handsome, rich "Captain Save-A-Hoe" to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  I realize that these scenarios are born out of  traditional concept sex gender stereotypes, but at what point does it become just a tad bit insulting to the women? The aforementioned all represent variations on the proverbial "damsel in distress" tale that all have the same conclusion - the need for a man to swoop in and save them from their situation.

     To a certain degree it astonishes me that this theme is constantly revisited in modern times. On a certain level it makes the condescending assumption that these women are neither smart nor resourceful enough to change thier circumstances. This simultaneously de-values the woman's intelligence and strokes the male ego's almost biological desire to be needed. The regretable fact is that the patriarchal male as protector role is often lost on the many women of the 21st Century who have found themselves in the position of fending for themselves. So why are so many women doing it for themselves these days and how does the Princess/Prince Charming Illusion contribute to it?

     For one thing, societal shifts within the past 40 years have contributed to the redefining of gender roles. It was once the norm and even expected for a woman to get married and bare children at a fairly young age, say by 25-30. That is no longer the case. Although one still runs the risk of being labeled an "old maid", by today's looser standards that moniker is more often hung upon women who are childless at 40. Marriage is largely an afterthought and increasingly perceived as an antiquated concept. According to the Pew Research Center, nearly 41% of all American births to women ages 15-44 were out-of-wedlock in 2010. Although there are several factors contributing to this, one of them is that marriage is largely considered an option by many.

     On the other side of the coin, how does P/PC Illusion distort the thinking of boys? Almost as if by osmosis we seperate the "pretty" girl from the "smart" girl. We are repeatedly told that the princesses we read about are "the most beautiful in all the land" yet they always seem to need a prince to handle things for them. Evidently they can't be both pretty and resourceful. Almost subconsciously, we begin to equate a woman who is both attractive and intelligent with undesirability. In discussing the plight of the professional single woman, I once heard my wife say, "If you are both (attractive and intelligent) you’re universally hated by both men and women; women because they’re jealous of you, and men because they don’t know what to do with you.” She said that a woman “who is living up to her potential is often cast aside or becomes a social outcast.”

     Another contributing factor has been the misinterpretation of the Feminist Movement. So much energy has been spent by some in an effort to be percieved as an "independent woman" in recent years that the result has been the stifling of a truly sincere man's desire take the reigns in a relationship. In other words, it's not that you can't handle certain things, it's that you shouldn't have to. The Princess/Prince Charming Illusion does us a disservice in this arena by creating an unrealistic expectation of the archetype of the "knight in shining armor" as the ideal man. In their search for a mate, so many woman have been conditioned to accept absolute perfection or nothing that they end up with the latter while holding out for the former. The fairytale prince is at least 6 feet tall, Brad Pitt handsome, Bill Gates rich, built like Ochocinco and smoother than Denzel with Barry White's voice - quite literally Mr. Perfect. With the possible exception of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (who is definitely screwing it up for the rest of us), the vast majority of us real world men find it difficult to meet these predetermined fantasy criteria and implausable standards. The best we can hope for is to take on a Sean Connery-esque sex appeal as we age and call it a day.

     So as one grows and matures they find that Mr. Perfect doesn't exist and Prince Charming turned out to be a self-absorbed, arrogant metrosexual. When the guy you were dating turns out to be a frog instead a  Prince, what do you do? Give the stuff he hastily left at your place to Goodwill, cut him out of the pictures you want to keep, then lie around the house eating ice cream and listening to Sade? No. Develop realisic expectations of what you need in a life partner. Wants are good too, but should be secondary to your needs. Many women begin to believe that their prince will never come based on fairytale expectations.

     What should we do to give our daughters realistic expectations of what to look for in a mate? How do we instill those things in our sons? Firstly, we should do all we can to instill a healthy self esteem in our daughters. From a very early age we should take every opportunity to emphasize how special, unique and wonderfully made they are not only as women but as individuals. When girls have a positive sense of self they tend to make better decisions choosing potential mates. They understand their wants, needs and how to prioritize what is important to them. Secondly, we need to cultivate their gifts and talents. When we know the quality and quantity of our God given abilities we attract like-minded souls who are complimentary to us as a whole. Thirdly, we must teach our daughters that although Mr. Perfect doesn't exist, "Mr. Perfect-for-You" may be the cute guy you always see at Whole Foods, or the Cintas guy* who delivers bathroom products and clean mats to your jayoh-bee every week. Sure,  the captain of the football team is more exciting, but the captain of the debate team is probably a better long term relationship bet. Trust me, if that running back doesn't have concrete alternative plans when his knee blows out neither of you will be living happlily ever after.

     See past the exterior - what's in the heart of the person? This is not lowering your expectations, but the realistic management of them. Finally, I would say to the men that for the sake of both our sons and daughters, we as men should personify the Knight in Shining Armor. Do not let popular culture define what a man should be for them. As I write this one of the most popular (and I use the term very loosely) "musical performers" is Lil Wayne. What more do I need to say? Our daughters vision of Prince Charming should come directly from what they see from us. How you treat the women in your life will become the blueprint for what they accept in a relationship. Our actions should define manhood for our sons as well. Make a point of being chivalrous in front of and with them. Openly show (appropriate) affection to your spouse, peacefully resolve conflict, etc. Let's teach our kids of both genders that Prince Charming does exist by exemplifying the concept in realistic terms.

Prince Charming of the new millenium.

 *Trust...if they're on their grind those Cintas cats are plenty comfortable. We're talking German sedan, private school and gated community comfortable - or two of the three in many parts of the country.