VNTY PLTS SUK

     I first noticed it way back in the mid eighties while attending school at Hampton University. Virginia seemed to have a prevalence of personalized license plates, also known as vanity plates. Because freshmen weren't allowed to have cars on campus (and I loath public transportation) I did a lot of walking and had plenty of time to enviously watch the cars cruise by. It was as if every other car had vanity plates. I didn't realize that people had so much to say!

      The Washington Post confirmed my suspicions when it did a story on vanity plates in Virginia. 1.4 million Virginians currently have vanity plates. That's 18.5 percent, or every 1 out of 5 registered vehicles. That's quite a bit of vanity. The only other states that come close are Illinois ( 1.1 million) and California (1 million). Virginia however, stands alone in terms of percentage to population. Vanity plates represent 10 and 3 percent of cars in Illinois and California respectively.

      So here is my issue with vanity plates - most of them are not as clever, cute or witty as the owner thinks they are or intends them to be. In my opinion, they are often unnecessary and simply annoying. I'd say that on average, every 1 out of 20 vanity plates I see actually makes me smile. Most vanity plates fall into one or a combination of these categories (examples are plates I've actually seen)....

1. Obvious - These plates state something that is readily apparent, easily seen or understood by all. Like the "MYFOCUS" on a Ford Focus or the "RDVETTE" on a red Corvette. Why would one waste their time and money to say something that is clearly evident? Here's one I thought of for just such cases - REDNDNT (redundant).

2. Pretentious - these plates make (usually false) claims of self - importance or an exaggerated outward show. Some examples would be "GENIUS, PYT, and WLHUNG". If you have to run around trying to convince everybody, you probably aren't. Again, my suggestion for such cases - LWSFESTM (low self esteem).

3. Obscure - These plates deal with subject matter that is not well known or ambiguous. Ex. YYZ (a song recorded in the 80's by the rock group Rush), IFFAS (international federation of firearm sports) or 1110101 (binary code). Such things will be cool only to the amazingly few people who know what your talking about. My suggestion - HUCARES

4. Hobbies, Affiliations & Occupations - These usually allude to a persons principle work, organizations they belong to or hobbies. Ex. "BONEMD, SCRPBK, IBFISHN". These actually aren't that bad as they can drum up business or create a network. However, of all the people that you encounter on the road daily, how many are thinking to themselves "I wonder what that person does a) in their down time b) to bring home the bacon?" My suggestion - GTALYF.

5. Accomplishments - These declare what the driver has achieved, successfully done or a title they hold. Ex. "EGLESCT, BNGEJMP, ITCEO" Great - your an Eagle Scout. Would you please pull over right now and show me how to tie a double marlin hitch knot? My suggestion - INFLTDEGO (inflated ego).

      The ones I hate most are the over thought plates that use letters as whole words, or combinations of letters and numbers. I place the blame for this squarely in the lap of Prince. With song titles like "Eye Would Die 4 U" and "U Long 2 B with Me" he's the main 'person of interest' as they say these days. This has been done for years and is no longer clever. 4, 8, 2, B, C and U are the most common. CMEPASU, ZUL8TR, 4U2NV, NOH8RZ, XLR8R, 12MUL8T are all examples. My suggestion - URNTWTY (you aren't witty).

      Some plates are notable because they got past the censors. Years ago in Virginia Beach, I saw a plate that read "RCHPHKR" on a Ferrari, and just recently a plate that read "FUYT". Both are vulgar and one is bigoted if not outright racist. If you can't decipher those I won't be the one to tell you. My suggestion - CNSORD.

      Vanity plates will often give you an insight to how people feel about themselves or tell a short story. A few weeks ago I saw a Mercedes with plates that read DSERVD, and today I saw a Porsche that had URNEDIT plates. Vanity plates will tell you about the family (GR8KIDS), a favorite tv show (70SHOW) or both (MY3SONS).

      The combination of what one drives and what they choose as a vanity plate usually makes the difference as to whether or not you are perceived as a jackass. This is where many people get it wrong IMO (there's one for ya'). URNVUS on a neon green Lamborghini doesn't earn you many friends.

      Of course, there are a lot of vanity plates that are quite clever and fun. I particularly liked the plates HWDYALL on a Miata driven by a very cosmopolitan older lady. A simple fun greeting. HIOFCR on a souped up Mustang 5.0 and TONKA on a yellow Hummer H2 are kind of funny to me. Also, I know of a 7 series BMW that has the plate ITBGOD. Not grammatically correct, but giving the credit for their success where it belongs.

      In conclusion, I've given it a lot of thought (more than anyone should about this subject) and can only come up with these words, crass as they may be, to describe my opinion. Vanity plates are (not always but) usually a public exercise in ego masturbation - stimulating and satisfying to no one but ones own self in most cases.

Of course, that's my unsolicited opinion. What do you think? So you know of another catagory that I neglected to identify? Do you have examples to share? I leave the DROPN (door open) for your comments...